Unafraid

Well, here it is. My first blog post of the new year. No pressure or anything, right? We had a really nice Christmas. We spent it in Michigan with my family and did a lot of eating, sleeping, relaxing, shopping, and more eating. We've spent much of the last week catching up on things here, putting up Christmas, and just getting back into the swing of things. 

I usually love the start of a new year. I always make some resolutions and usually don't keep any of them. There's just something about a fresh start!  But this year is different. December was not the easiest month for me. We had several unexpected things come into our path and I'm going to say it here-- I did not do well with them. Not at all. I spent a lot of the month in a pit of despair and self pity and it was ugly, ugly, ugly. Thankfully, I have family and friends in my life who were sympathetic and understanding when they needed to be and then told me to put my big girl pants on and move forward.

Even though I've climbed out of that awful pit with God's grace and mercy, I still have the tendency to fall right back in. One of these things that came into my path is something that will be carried into the new year. (I'm truly not trying to be vague; I'm just not ready to blog about this. Maybe someday.) If I let myself dwell on it or think about it for any length of time, I find myself becoming extremely fearful. And really, not just a little fearful-- I am absolutely paralyzed by fear. It's fear of the unknown and of what might come to pass, not even necessarily what will come to pass. Even though I'm out of that horrible pit, if I'm being honest, I'm hovering right on the edge of it and I have these waves of fear pass over me throughout the day. 

I've started to notice something. It's not that I have an isolated fear of this particular situation. It's that I'm basically living in fear. I am always thinking the worst, assuming the worst, expecting the worst. I'm terrified of things that could possibly happen someday. I got myself worked up into a tizzy on Christmas Eve because I was convinced Griffin had MRSA. He had eczema. ECZEMA, not a flesh eating bacteria. I was ready to take him to the emergency room because of a stinking rash. I seriously need to get a grip. 

I've been reading blog posts this week about picking a word to characterize 2013 and I started thinking about a word that I'd like to make my "word of the year", if you will. I really wasn't sure what my word would be and really if I even wanted to commit to a word. Again, in years past, I would be all over that, but this year has just felt different because of how scared I am of what's to come. 

Then on Friday, while Griffin and I were on our way to the grocery store, a song I've never heard before came on the radio. I knew immediately that it was Chris Tomlin and as I listened to the words, I started to cry. I pulled into Kroger and just wept as I listened. It was his new song, "Whom Shall I Fear" and as the name suggests, it's about trusting God in the midst of fear and uncertainty. As I was listening, it hit me-- my word for the year. I knew what it needed to be. Not what I wanted it to be, mind you, but what it needed to be. 

My word is unafraid. Yes, I had to Google it to make sure it's a real word and Google said it was. 

I knew it as I listened to the song. The chorus of the song says the following:

I know Who goes before me,

I know Who stands behind,

The God of angel armies is always by my side.

The one who reigns forever,

He is a friend of mine,

The God of angel armies is always by my side.

I have to go into this year unafraid. As a child of God, I have the confidence to know that my Heavenly Father goes before me and stands behind me. Nothing will touch me that hasn't been sifted through His hands. Nothing will touch my family that hasn't been sifted through His hands. Everything in my life has been allowed and ordained for my good and His glory. I have to rest and trust in that. That is my prayer for 2013, that no matter what else comes my way, that I would be unafraid and trust in the Lord. It will take work and I truly do think that it will be a daily (sometimes momentary) battle for me, but I am thankful because I can do ALL things through Christ and that includes putting all my fears at the foot of the cross. God has blessed me with so much, including my two guys below, and I know He is good. I pray that you too know the goodness and grace that is offered in Jesus! 

If you have a word for 2013, I would love to hear it! Happy New Year!