Straight Up Hilarious.

I love teaching third grade. It is one of the highlights of my life, hands down. It is so much of a highlight that I think I need to share with you all something that I am still giggling about.

I have been sneezing like a crazy person this morning. Welcome, spring allergies. I have been dreading your arrival missed you. I sneezed about five times in a row after teaching my Language Arts lesson and made a comment that went something like this:

Me: Y'all, my nose is about to kill me this morning.

N (one of my fave students): Oh! Smell my hair! It smells like dicks!

Yes. You just read that correctly. Go back and read it again if you don't believe me. Let's continue this gem of a conversation, shall we?

Me: It smells like WHAT?

At this point, I am trying desperately not to overreact and cause a scene, because make no mistake, I teach nineteen "scene-makers" every single weekday and we don't need any extra ammunition.

N: Dicks! It smells like dicks!

Me: Okay. What does that smell like?

Because let's face it. I am NOT about to go smell this girls hair.

N: DICKS! The stuff that was on that tissue that you gave me!

This is when the light clicked on for me. A little background knowledge for all of you, because at this point, I'm sure you are as confused as I was. Back in January, N and I were both fighting horrible colds at the same time. I did not want to be sharing the same box of tissues with my students, so I brought in my own box of glory. Allow me to share the wealth.

Please take a moment to notice what the Puffs is enhanced with, besides lotion.

Yes. That would be Vicks.

I had taken to being the nicest teacher in the world when N and I both had the horrible cold and I shared one (yes, just ONE) of my beloved tissues with her. I believe my exact instructions were, "Take this tissue and don't blow your nose with it. Just sit there with it over your nose and inhale." Hey, we were both desperate for something to work and I was not about to share my little tub of real Vicks with her. No. That is my gold in a jar, people.

All that to say, apparently her hair smells like Vicks. But for now, I think I'm just going to take her word for it.

Hi. I'm Aunt Rachel. Nice to meet you.

I have yet to be blessed with any biological nieces and nephews. Considering that both my brother and brother-in-law are young college men with no wives to speak of, this is not surprising.

However, about two and a half years ago, a blessing was born. My first "niece". Catherine Margaret was the firstborn to her momma and daddy. Her momma, one of my best girlfriends, Tarah, was my RD in Shatford during my freshman year. Tarah quickly became like a sister to me and we have been close ever since. I think that one of the reasons we love each other so much is because we have the ability to be completely and utterly honest with one another. There was a time where she was so honest with me and I hated it because I knew she was rightI am stubborn and I didn't talk with her for a few months. Can we give the Lord an Amen for people who tell us the truth in His love and another Amen for when we finally get over our stubborn selves to learn that He is always right?

There was another time where I came back to school a few weeks early because I was working at my dorm's front desk. The boy that I had broken up with that summer was there early, too, and it was the hardest thing (at that time) for me to stay away from him. I was stressed and very emotional and Tarah was there for me through the whole blasted encounter with Crazy. That's my really great nickname for him. Crazy. I just made it up. ANYWAY, she had a meeting or something one night, so she called me and told me to get a good book and come over and just take a bath while she was gone. Oh my word, best relaxation ever. Plus, Crazy had no clue where I was, which in hindsight, was the best gift of all! All that to say, Tarah has a way of being the sister I never had.

Anyway, Tarah had to go and get herself married to a most wonderful man and they blessed us all about nine months later with the beautiful Catherine Margaret Auffhammer. I will never forget my roommate running into the bathroom at 6:00 am (I was getting ready for student teaching-- there is never a good reason for being up that early) holding out my phone saying, "It's Ben (Tarah's brother). Tarah's having the baby!" Oh my word. Best day ever. I could barely contain my excitement that day. And that beautiful girl was born and blessed my ever-loving socks right off my body. A few months later, I got to go and love on that baby girl for a few days and since then, I've watched her grow from this...


To this...


Oh, sweet girl, Aunt Rachel loves you so much.

Then, last March, Tarah and James decided to give us all another blessing. Miss Lydia Elaine graced us with her presence and made the world a happier place. Since Tarah has chosen to live so far from Aunt Rachel, Lala and I have not officially met. Still, I could not love that child more. I love hearing stories and seeing pictures. Check out the awesome little dress I got her from Janie and Jack.


Mercy, I have to keep myself from kissing all over this computer screen. "Lala" or "Lati" just turned one. Aren't those some great nicknames? I will get out there one of these days and those girls are gonna be covered in Neutrogena Moisture Shine Lipgloss.

Well, I was informed a few months ago that yes, I was going to become Auntie Rachel for the third (and let's face it, probably not the last) time! I could not have been more thrilled. Then today, Tarah called to tell me what I already knew. I'm gonna be a girl auntie again. Auffhammer Chickie #3 will come to join the fun in August. I will go out to meet her before she grows up if it kills me. Because, make no mistake, it will kill me. I want those girls to know me and love me like I know and love them. I also want to be the cool aunt who always has gum in her styling purse.

Today, while talking to Tarah, my angel girl, Catie, got on the phone to tell Aunt Rachel that she was watching "The Jungle Book" and then told me she loved me. Oh, that warms a sick girl's heart to the core. A few minutes later, she wanted to show Aunt Rachel her boo-boo through the phone.

Y'all. I was so tickled. I wanted nothing more than to see that boo-boo. Soon, precious girl, very soon.

Many hugs and kisses to all my little nieces in New York. Even to the one in your belly, T. However, I will let the girls pass those along to their sister. We may be close, but I'm not sure I'm quite ready to kiss your belly. We'll get there someday.

Cough. Hack. I am sick.

Well, I have news. The news is that I am sick. Sick as a dog. Correction-- was sick as a dog. Today, I think I have progressed into the semi-functional sick category. It's been quite a week here, folks. Quick recap for you:

Last Tuesday (yes, as in a week ago, today): Come home from school. Feel a little bit funny. Realize that I have been coughing for a few days now. Also realize that the cough probably came from my one student who refuses to cover his mouth while he hacks all over anyone and anything. Get a little ticked off at that kid. Stay home from small group because the sick/funny feeling is increasing.

Wednesday: Wake up with a fiery temperature in the middle of the night. Try to write coherent lesson plans at 3:30 am. Finally fall back to sleep around 4:30. Wake up at 6:00 to call in to work. Cough, ache, and burn up all day long. Get smart and write my lesson plans for the sub during the light of day. Fall in love with my husband all over again because he offers to sleep in the guest room, giving me our beautiful bed all to my feverish self.

Thursday: Repeat Wednesday. Refuse to go to the doctor. Because I am stupid.

Friday: Pick a fight with my ever so lovely husband simply because I feel so sick. Feel like a big fat jerk when he continues to be so patient with me. Hubs comes home early because he doesn't feel great. Start seeing spots and my peripheral vision goes out in my left eye. Go to the eye doctor on an emergency visit. Turns out I have an ocular migraine as a result of my fever. UGH. Two of my best friends come from Michigan to visit. Fall asleep at 9:30 like the total lame-o that I am.

Saturday: Wake up and finally feel better and fever free. Go see a movie and do fun things like pedicures with my friends. Hang out at home that night and call random people with Kristi and ask them if they remember us. Laugh hysterically at ourselves. So glad I'm feeling better.

Sunday: Wake up feeling worse than ever. Fever is back and I'm about to burn a hole in my bed. Hubs goes to breakfast with our friends and I can't even get out of bed without feeling like I'm going to pass out and vomit. Lovely. Friends leave and Ty takes me to urgent care. I act like a wounded animal in the waiting room and beg him to ask if they can move quicker. Bless his heart, he does, and they don't. I see the doctor and guess what? I have pneumonia for the 13th time. And no, I am not exaggerating. Get an antibiotic. Lay in bed most of the day. Am so sick that I don't care if I'm watching "Lord of the Rings" with Tyler.

Monday: Still so bloody sick. Tyler stays home from work to take care of me. Mercy, I have the best husband ever. Lay on the couch all day. Cry like a little baby for a few hours because I don't feel good and I wanted my mom. Eat an entire sleeve of Girl Scout Peanut Butter Sandwiches. Finally conk out and sleep all night long.

Tuesday (today!): Wake up and finally don't feel like death warmed over. Tyler goes to work but comes home to take me for a follow-up at the real doctor (sorry, I don't really believe in Urgent Care!). Get a chest x-ray and see that I am indeed getting well. Phew. Tyler takes me to get Chik-fil-A for lunch. We eat at home and he goes back to work. I rest. Write in my blog. Continue to feel better.

If you just read all that, you deserve a prize. Your prize is... not having pneumonia! I would like that prize, thankyouverymuch.

I am just looking forward to being well. I am looking forward to having a clean house, cooking dinner every night, keeping up with school work, and being back with my kids getting back into a normal work routine.

One can only take so much CSI, Wifeswap, and America's Next Top Model. That Tyra's really starting to get on my ever-loving-nerves. Mix it up a little bit, girl. Say something else other than, "Congratulations. You're still in the running to be America's Next Top Model." SHUT UP! WE KNOW!

I could just turn off the TV, but seriously, how fun would that be? None. None at all.

_________________________________________________________________

And on a more serious note, please be praying for sweet baby Stellan. This precious boy is fighting so hard and he is tired and his momma is tired. I'm so glad we serve a God who doesn't get tired, but I would so love to see Stellan snap right out of SVT. Last Tuesday (before my Sick Fest 2009), my nineteen third graders all got on their knees and prayed for "baby Stellan and Miss Jennifer". They believe we will see a miracle. Do you?

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Today is my beautiful momma's 50th birthday! My mom is my best friend, hands down. I didn't make life very easy for her while I was growing up. James Dobson wrote a book about me; I don't know if you've heard of it? The Strong-Willed Child. What a great title for my autobiography.

All that to say, my mom had no idea what awaited her as I grew up. And, man, did she handle me with grace and love and patience... she still does. Make no mistake, I am still that strong-willed child adult. And I still go to my mom with a lot. And she still handles me with care. That's all after dealing with my antics for the last 23+ years.

So in honor of her 50th year on earth, I would like to write some things down about my mom. I'm not sure if she'll read this, but even if not, I want you all to know what kind of woman raised me. Even though I'm strong-willed, I am well-taught and I love my Jesus and that is because that woman trained up a child in the way of the Lord. I can't think of a better legacy to leave with your children than that.

Rather than doing a "Top Ten List of Things I Love About my Mom" (which, I'll be honest, was my first thought), I'm going to add a little commentary about her alongside this passage from Proverbs 31. Mind you, I am no Biblical scholar, but I think Soloman talked about a Godly woman in such an incredible way, and I would like to show you the parallels between a "Proverbs 31 Woman" and my sweet mother. The words in black are Soloman's. The words in purple are mine.


Proverbs 31:10-31 (The Message)

A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
My dad is an airline pilot and has had to be away a lot. Such is the nature of his job. However, I have grown up seeing his unconditional trust in my mom to handle things while he is gone. She is trustworthy whether you are sharing a secret or just a silly and embarrassing moment. I don't think there has ever been a moment where I have doubted my mom for even a split second and that is a rare quality.

Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She has always been supportive of my dad doing what he loves (flying), even though I'm know she misses him so much when he is gone. This has given me a great example in how I support my husband in what he does.

She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
I definitely can't say that my mom is a knitter or a sewer, but I do remember that one time, in junior high, I bought a pattern and some fabric and wanted to make my own purse. She helped me drag out the sewing machine and she helped me sew that entire purse and was excited as I was when it was finished. That was a long time ago, but I still remember how much she helped me lovingly with that project.

She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
Last year, Mom and Dad went to Israel with Jack and Mom brought me back the most beautiful olive wood figurine of Joseph, Mary, and the baby Jesus. She is so thoughtful in always bringing me meaningful things from her travel. Things that will be special. I have it on a little shelf above my stove and I love seeing it and thinking of how I hope to go back with Mom (and Dad, Jack, and Ty) someday.

She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
My mom was always up before us while we were growing up. She would always make my lunch for school and have it ready. I always loved having her be my own personal alarm clock and I especially miss it now that I have to use a real one. Never have I seen my mom stay in her pajamas all day and just be lazy. She is such a hard worker, a phenomenal mom, and a marvelous wife. She packs so much into her day-- I don't know how she does it! I also always felt such a comfort when I was growing up knowing that I would be in bed before her. I don't know why, but I did. She is the hardest working woman I know.

She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She is an amazing homemaker. She has such a knack for decorating and making a loving and warm home. You can't walk in and not want to stay. She has truly invited the Lord to live in her house and that is why it is so inviting. She is also the first to help anyone. She has such a heart for people in need. I have seen her give selflessly of her time, services, and money throughout my life because she knows that they are gifts from God. When my uncle needed a place to live, my mom (and dad) stepped in without a second thought. She loves people because the Lord loved her first. What a testimony for me as I have my own home now!

She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
My mom is SO, SO beautiful on the inside and the outside. I have had people who don't know her ask if she is my sister when seeing her in pictures. :) Something that I have always appreciated, though, is that she dresses so modestly but so stinking cute. I have known women who dress like they're twenty when they are most definitely not. Mom dresses for her age but she really cares about the way she looks and she is a knock-out. If anything, I don't like going out with her because she always looks better than me!

Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
I have one fabulous dad, but that is for another day. My mom has always stood by my dad and been the kind of wife that I long to be. She respects and trusts my dad and I am so thankful that I learned from her example and married a man just like him.

She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
My mom laughs easily and she is very good at starting each new day with a smile. No matter what has happened, I always see my mom embrace that fact that God's mercies are new every morning. Again-- what an example!

When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
I have rarely heard my mom say a bad word about anyone. Something that still drives me a little crazy about her is that she always sees the other person's side when I am having a struggle. That's usually irritating at the time, but as I have grown up hearing how the other person might be feeling, it has given me a great perspective on "taking the plank out of my own eye".

She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
My brother and I call my mom often, as we both live out of state. This is saying a lot for two grown kids. If we want to keep our mom filled in on our lives, then she clearly fostered an environment growing up where she was really interested in our lives. So much so that we still want to tell her all about what is going on in our day-to-day activities.

Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Jack and I more than respect our mom. We love her so much and we really take to heart her opinions. I know that my dad feels the same way. He loves her so much and she feels the same way about him. Their marriage has been such an example for me and Ty. And FYI, Heather Berdan? Classiest woman you'll ever meet. Charming, loving, wise, fun, and God-fearing. Pretty much the definition of classy.

Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
(She's 50 and she just keeps getting better!)

The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!


Proverbs 31:10-31 is the embodiment of my mother. I am so blessed. Mom, today, I celebrate your life! Thank you for being the best mom I could ever dream of. I am so looking forward to your days as "Nana" and all the new things I have to learn from you in these new stages of life. I love you so, so much.

Happy Birthday! :)

I didn't do it.

When you work with kids, you hear "I didn't do it!" a lot more than you probably want. This very well may be something I teach my kids right from the get go-- "If you say that, you will have to play with Momma's hair every night for the rest of your life." What a glorious punishment that would be. For me, of course. Not them.

So, I would like to share with you some of my "Not Me!" moments of this past week. However, before you continue, please go to MckMama's blog and update yourself on Stellan. Not only will you be hooked on her awesome writing, but you won't be able to keep yourself from falling on your knees to pray for this precious little boy. Our God is good. Please pray.

On a lighter note:

I did not lick my thumb and then wipe a smudge off one of my kid's faces today. Number one, not my kid. Number two, gross. Number three, not my kid.

I did not gorge myself on Maggianos AND Coney Island this weekend while at home. I have been doing really well with my diet and would never set myself back by enjoying some of the best food known to man.

On that note, I am not totally bitter about the fact that Cincinnati does not have any Coney Island restaurants. Ugh.

I did not drive to three, count them, THREE gas stations to find a vacuum for my car before giving up and deciding to drive down Montgomery looking for a gas station vacuum until I found one. I did not drive for about two miles until I found one.

I am not totally disappointed by the lack of good coupons in the paper this week and I don't feel like a total dork admitting that yes, I do coupon. And I love it.

Check back in tomorrow for a blog about my darling momma who is turning the big 5-0! If you know her, it's hard to believe, but it's true. Now you all know. Sorry, Mom. :)

Spring Reading Thing 2009

Great goodness, I need to get on the ball with this blogging thing! I have been beyond busy these past few weeks and I plan to update you on why I have been so busy, but not today. I know, you're in suspense-- you needn't be. It's not that exciting. Just the mundane, everyday busyness that comes along with life. It's downright exhausting at times-- can I get an amen? I wish I was exhausted from doing some intense traveling or decorating or something like that, but no. Not these days.

I have, however, made life very entertaining for myself over the past few days by convincing my students that I won a contest in high school and got to go on a space mission where I walked on the moon and shared a cabin with a space chimp. They totally believe me. Kids-- what would you do without 'em?

You certainly wouldn't hear, "Mrs. H, you look like you're sick today!" Well. Thank you, precious, I just forgot my mascara. Thanks for noticing and pointing it out so nicely. My favorite comment of today would probably have to be, "Whoa! Your hair got WHITER!" Or maybe blonder, thanks to my hair dresser, but hey-- white works too. However, I do enjoy hearing things from the kids that I am not supposed to hear. Take last week, for example.

The kids always ask me, "What'd ya do last night?" I shared with them that I had gotten my eyebrows waxed, which, in hindsight, maybe wasn't the best thing to share with 3rd graders seeing as though I had to go through the process step-by-step with them. However, it got really good when one of my boys blurted out, "My mom wants my dad to get his back waxed but he said NO WAY THAT'S EVER HAPPENING! His back is nasty though!" Oh. My. Heavens. I will never look at that child's father again without gagging snorting to hold back my laughter. Ever.

Kids. They are so free, so forthcoming, so hilarious. Unless, of course, they are making fun of me. Then they're in trouble. Kidding. Maybe.




This brings me to the actual reason for my post today. It's Spring Reading Thing 2009! I am going to share with you my list of books that I would like to read between now and June. I love, love, love to read. I also love to say things three times-- it's kind of a sickness, really. Back to reading. I have not had time to read much this winter which just slays me. I have always been an avid reader, but life has caught up to me and it has been put on the back burner. Now that the weather has gotten nicer, I would love to get back into some books I have been itching for and Katrina at Callapidder Days has organized a spring read! There is nothing like sitting outside with something to drink and a good book. Yum. Maybe, I would even have a Red Velvet Sandwich Cookie while I was reading. Oh man, now I'm drooling. And going off on another tangent. Join the fun over at Callapidder Days and get reading! I am!

And now, in no particular order... my list.

1. The Passion of Mary-Margaret by Lisa Sampson
2. The Yada Yada Prayer Group by Neta Jackson
3. Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer (techincally, I am almost done with this one)
4. Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
5. Cross Country by James Patterson
6. The Trouble With Boys : A Surprising Report Card on our Sons, Their Problems at School, and What Parents and Educators Must Do by Peg Tyre
7. Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult (my favorite author!)
8. Take One by Karen Kingsbury
9. Obsessed by Ted Dekker
10. The Soloist by Steve Lopez
11. Rescuing Sprite by Mark Levin
12. The Choice by Nicholas Sparks
13. The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks
14. How Starbucks Saved My Life: A Son of Privilege Learns to Live Like Everyone Else by Michael Gates Gill
15. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
16. The Duggars: 20 and Counting!: Raising One of America's Largest Families—How They Do It by Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar
    

I may add or take away from this list. You never know. Pay attention. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you have any suggestions of books I might love, please feel free to share. I have quite a widespread taste, but hey, that's what makes me fun. :) Have a GREAT weekend and happy first day of Spring!!!

NOT ME!

It's time for the glory that is Not Me! Monday. MckMama is the genius that came up with this grand idea. And if you like MSC (Many Small Children), you will LOVE hers because they are truly edible (in a non canibalistic type way).

I definitely did not save $48 with my coupons on Saturday. Walgreens coupons do not make me want to twirl around in a grassy field and scream, "HALLELUJAH!!". I also did not make my hunk of a man go with me to Walgreens at 10:30 pm on Saturday because my February coupons were about to expire. He was not leaning over the cart as if he'd been shot because he was so exhausted. No way.

I also do not have an extremely sore neck and back from leaning over and clipping coupons on the floor for a few hours yesterday. Next week, I will definitely not clip them at the table or at least on the couch. I love being sore.

I did not just order this fabulous tote for our Florida vacationfrom Etsy. Do not go to that website. You will most certainly not get addicted. Oh, and I have not already picked out my first child's birth announcements on Etsy. That would be strange seeing as though I have no children and I am not pregnant... yet.

I am also not going to Florida with this fine woman and her husband (and mine!) in about a month. I am not totally stoked about this. Our husbands also do not play Settlers of Catan together online and talk to each other on speaker phone while playing because they live 8 hours away from one another. Not them.

I did not do devotions in our staff meeting on Thursday. I also did not sob my eyes out in front of the ENTIRE STAFF after playing the Shane & Shane song, "Embracing Accusation" because it means so much to me. I also did not share something that I was struggling with and proceed to cry so hard that I couldn't speak and that snot was coming out of my nose at an alarming rate of speed. The precious women that I work with did not then pray over me and God's peace did not show up right on time. I was not totally comforted by the amazing gift of friendship I have in these women.

And our International Week presentation for the Netherlands is not on Thursday. I am not totally overwhelmed by this and my kids are being perfect angels. Uhhh... pray for me if you think of it. Good glory.

Gotta run. Much love!