Please take a few minutes to read
Part 1 or else this won't really be a complete story. Just as a side note, this is a loooong post and if you only read a little bit of it, please skip to the end and read that part.
As I finished with on the last installment, at about 4 weeks, Griffin finally started latching and eating. I was so thrilled. That was on a Thursday evening, but earlier in the week, I had scheduled an appointment with a lactation consultant at the hospital on Friday. Even though he latched and ate well that night, I still wanted to go in the next day. I just had this gut feeling. Something I'm learning as a mom?
Always trust your gut. I'm so, so glad I did.
The next day, Griffin and I met with Suzanne (who is a saint-- no, really, a real life saint). She weighed him, watched him latch and eat for 15-20 minutes, and then weighed him again. In that time period, he gained almost nothing which is abnormal. For a 4 week old baby to eat for that long and gain so little, she knew something was off. I definitely had milk and he was trying so hard to eat, but he just wasn't gaining. We tried this a few times and he wasn't gaining weight.
In short, she started feeling around and looking in his mouth. She then told me that she thought he had something called a posterior tongue tie. There are lots of babies who have tongue tie, but Griffin's tongue tie was different and pretty uncommon. She told me she was pretty confident that this was the problem. He couldn't extend or lateralize his tongue, which made it virtually impossible for him to extract any milk. This explained his early weight gain issues. She told me that there was one doctor in the Cincinnati Dayton area that clipped these specific tongue ties, a dentist named Dr. N. She encouraged me to call him first thing on Monday to schedule an appointment.
Over the weekend, of course I consulted Dr. Google and freaked myself OUT. I was also emotionally exhausted. I wanted to nurse my baby so badly and I just didn't know what I would do if we went to see Dr. N on Monday and he told us that this wasn't the problem. Griffin continued to nurse well through the weekend, but I didn't want to take the risk of him continuing to lose weight. I was also still in horrible, horrible pain.
I did call Dr. N first thing on Monday, preparing myself to have to wait for a week or so. The receptionist was a wonderful woman and asked me how quickly we could get there. We packed up and headed to Dayton an hour later.
During our appointment, Dr. N confirmed that indeed, this was a posterior tongue tie and that he would be able to clip it that day. He explained that this was why Griffin had a heart shaped tongue, why he couldn't open his mouth very wide or high, and why he continually was pursing his lips into the tiniest little "O" shape. He was an incredible doctor. He was so kind to me and answered all my questions. He gently told me that I had been doing everything right, but that this was just part of Griffin that could be fixed quickly. He also told me that at 4 weeks old, the nerve endings in a baby's mouth are not completely developed, so his pain would be minimal if he felt anything at all. He also took my hand and told me that I was a wonderful mother. I lost it and just cried and cried. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I truly think he was an angel in disguise.
I held Griffin as Dr. N clipped his tongue tie and I honestly think Griffin was more angry about the fact that someone had their fingers in his mouth for an extended period of time. He was easily consoled after the clip and he ate almost immediately. I'm being honest when I tell you that I could see a difference instantly. His mouth opened wider, his tongue looked normal, and when he ate, his ear moved up and down. His ear had
never moved while eating before that moment.
We went home and two days later, under the advice of a professional, I took him completely off the bottle and we did "breastfeeding boot camp". I didn't leave the house for a few days and nursed him whenever he was hungry. He got the hang of nursing exclusively and started doing very well. Eventually we moved to a schedule, but for a week or so, I fed on demand.
For the next two weeks, he nursed and he nursed well. In a perfect world, this would be the end of my story. Actually, in a perfect world he would have nursed well in the hospital, but whatever. The only problem was that my pain level grew and grew and grew. My friends who had breastfed told me to stick it out for at least two weeks, that those were the most painful weeks, but that at the end of two weeks, things would improve.
WELL.
At the end of two weeks, I was
horribly damaged. I could not feed Griffin without gasping and crying the whole time. Remember me? Twenty one HOURS of non-medicated labor without one tear? Yes. I was gasping for air because of the pain and it only got worse. At two weeks, it was unbearable. Again, I'd tried every trick in the book, including a shield. Nothing helped. I was dreading every single feeding and when you are feeding a baby every three hours, it tends to become very discouraging.
When Griffin was 6 weeks old, we went back to Suzanne (our lactation consultant). He ate and gained more than he had before having his tongue clipped, but she was very understanding of the excruciating pain that I was experiencing. She started feeling around in his mouth again. I will never forget what she said next. She looked at me and said, "I hate to tell you this, but he has a very high pallet (roof of his mouth)". She explained that because of the high roof of his mouth, when he was eating, he was bending my n*pple straight up and it was rubbing on the roof of his mouth. She told me that if you rub a sore for 30-40 minutes per day, 7-8 times per day, it will never heal. Obviously, there is not much that can be done for the high pallet. I about lost my mind right there in her office. I thought, "Well, this is it. At least I tried every possible thing I could". She gave me a few possible options, but she suggested that I try a smaller shield. She taught me how to use it and told me to go home and try it for a bit, but to call her if I needed anything. We actually are Facebook friends now. She was and is an amazing person and I'm forever thankful to her.
I went home, used the shield on both sides, and never looked back. Since that day, I have only nursed Griffin a handful of times without it. He won't eat for long if I don't use it. Some people would be very upset that they were only able to nurse with a shield, but I am
so grateful for it. Without the shield, I never would have been able to nurse my son for the last 6 months. I would have never been able to continue nursing without it because of the damage I suffered. Even with the shield, I still bled and had pain until Griffin was about 4 1/2 months old. It got better, but it was definitely hard. I got mastitis a few more times, I can't nurse in public because of the difficulty of getting the shield on properly and for me, there was and never has been anything easy about nursing.
Another part (the final part, I promise!) of this story is the part that I have become very passionate about. I said in
Part 1 that I fully expected that Griffin would nurse immediately. I was an
expert on feeding babies before I actually had a baby. We had lots of formula samples and I threw them away. I remember telling Tyler, "I don't even want formula in the house.It's not an option for me." Stupid. I didn't even want bottles in our cabinets because I wasn't going to give the baby a bottle of breast milk until he was
at least 4 weeks old. Yes, I was quite the expert.
Here is where I am going to be completely honest-- when I saw women feeding their babies formula or had friends who fed their babies formula, I judged them and I judged them HARD. I would hear women say, "Nursing just didn't work/ wasn't for me" and I would think, "That is awful! Why wouldn't you do something so easy and use something to feed your baby that is healthy and FREE?" and "Yeah, I'm sure it
didn't work for you. Whatever." Again, I was very experienced in feeding the baby that I DIDN'T HAVE.
What I didn't share above is that every since Griffin was about 4 months old, he has had way more formula than breast milk. He is currently 6 months old, and for all the feedings at home or at work, I nurse him first, then give him a 6 ounce bottle. If we're out, I just give him a bottle, but when we're home, I still nurse him first. I plan to continue this until his first birthday, if he'll continue to be compliant.
My milk supply suffered greatly because of all of our "stop and go" issues. I tried Fenugreek and Mother's Milk tea, but they gave me mastitis and plugged ducts. I didn't have the milk supply to feed my baby enough to make him grow, so I had no other choice but to go with formula.
And you know what? Formula? It's great. Not to be dramatic, but it saved my baby's life. It has helped him to thrive and grow into a very sweet, curious, and dare I say smart little 6 month old. He hasn't grown a third arm or a hump on his back because of formula. He sleeps through the night and loves both nursing and his bottles. It has given me a great sense of freedom that I can leave him with his daddy or a sitter and not have to be worried about whether he'll take a bottle or not. It has given Griffin and his dad a great time of bonding through feeding. For us, Formula has been a God-send.
If you'd have told me a year ago that I'd be typing these words, I would have told you that you were a nut. I WAS GOING TO BREASTFEED, HEAR ME ROAR. Except that's not how it worked. If we end up having other children, I will certainly attempt to nurse them, but if we have problems, I know that I have a fantastic option to help me feed my baby.
In conclusion, I want to speak to the women out there who tend to be "experts" on breastfeeding, whether it was easy for you or you're an "expert" like I was pre-baby. Please be kind. Please be gentle with us who wanted to nurse so badly and couldn't. To those who tried everything and weren't successful. To those of us who never made enough milk or who never made milk
period. To those of us who had sick babies and babies who didn't gain weight on breast milk, so we had no choice but to feed our babies with formula. To those of us who chose not to nurse because it wasn't for us-- which is
perfectly, perfectly fine. I fully realize that the majority of nursing moms out there aren't judging others, but they do exist. There are moms who have fed their babies formula exclusively who judge breastfeeding moms! It is a two-sided coin, but in my experience, the side that lands heads-up most often is the "judging of formula feeding moms" side.
The fact that I wanted to nurse exclusively and couldn't has been an
extremely emotional journey for me. Just ask my family and the few friends who walked me through every step. I wanted to be a nursing mom so, so badly. I was a basket case and I felt like I had failed my baby. Did I fail Griffin because he wasn't fed only by breast milk? NO, but for a long time I felt like I had! I felt like I had failed him because I had been subjected to several sources who treated formula as if it were of the devil. Formula is life giving to many babies, but so is breast milk. I could play this game all day, but I won't.
I am so thankful for a beautiful and healthy baby. I learned a few months ago that I had to let go of the guilt I had impressed upon myself about using formula and be thankful that I had the option. I truly am thankful that I live in a country that gives me the option of feeding my baby in a healthy and alternative way.
Formula is not the enemy. The real enemy is the judgement that can come along with motherhood. We all need to learn to support and love each other more, no matter what our differences.
And because no post is complete without a picture of this darling boy, I give you my precious (breast AND formula fed) baby boy.
If you have any further questions about my experience or nursing questions in general, I would love to talk to you more. I am certainly no expert, but I'm willing to tell any details that might help someone in need. Feel free to contact me at rnoelhaney (at) gmail (dot) com.
