A Not-so-Confident Momma

I'm linking up again today with Kelly, Erin, Jennifer, and Courtney for Build 'Em Up! The topic this week is being confident in motherhood.

Before I was a mother, I was a perfect mother. 

Before I was a mother, I was an extremely confident mother.

I had big plans for my unborn son and my family. We were going to have an amazing natural birth (which we did, but only by the grace of God), I was going to exclusively breastfeed, I was going to have him on a flawless schedule, and on and on and on. 

But on a cold March night in 2011, that all changed in an instant as Tyler and I welcomed our beautiful curly headed boy into the world. It took me awhile, but I would soon figure out that I was as far from a perfect and confident mother as they come. 

I was hit with that reality in the hospital room the next day when Griffin wouldn't latch to nurse. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a breastfeeding nightmare, but really, that it would begin shake any confidence I thought I had as a mother. 

We had a scary few weeks with Griffin where he lost a significant amount of weight, almost enough to have to be hospitalized. That shook my confidence. 

I had to supplement with formula (which is fine and was a lifesaver for us), but I was met with some adversity from a friend and eventually lost that friendship because of FORMULA. It was her choice, not mine. Ridiculous, but it shook my confidence. 

It was hard for me to get Griffin to nap consistently and for any length of time. It took me the better part of 6 months to figure it out while my other friends seemed to have their babies on perfect schedules almost instantly. That shook my confidence.

Griffin was still taking a bottle of milk before bedtime when he was 14 months old. I was criticized for that, and it shook my confidence.

I could go on and on about what shook my confidence as a mother, but really? Those are my issues, no one else's. Plus, because of all those factors, I learned what was the best thing for my confidence as a mom.

I needed time. Time was what helped me to figure out what my little boy needed. Not what my friends thought he needed, not what the random lady at the grocery store thought he needed, but what I knew he needed. 

All I needed was to get to know Griffin better, trust my instinct, seek help from those I wanted to seek help from, and seek the Lord's face in the process. 

Griffin doesn't have a hump on his back from formula and he dropped that bottle of milk without a second thought. He takes naps and he doesn't have any problems with his weight. 

I wish I could go back, hold new-mom Rachel's face in my hands and tell her that everything would be okay. I'd tell her to relax, go with her gut, and do what's best for her baby and her family. I'd tell her that God and Tyler would help her and guide her to make good decisions for Griffin. I'd tell her not to worry about unsolicited advice because she's not mothering for that persons affirmation or glory. I'd tell her a lot of things, but knowing her, she probably wouldn't listen. Ha! 

I don't know when I truly started feeling confident as a mother, but I know I'm much better than I used to be. Everyone is different. Everyone makes different choices for their family and their children, and that's okay! We need to support one another, not tear one another down. And we certainly don't need to be tearing ourselves down for our choices. 

I don't want Griffin to be raised by a timid mom who questions her decisions because of someone's opinion or because of the way another mother is doing something. I want him to see me as confident and sure of myself because I'm seeking to glorify the Lord in all that I do, and that includes the big and small of motherhood. I want him to know that I'm confident in him as a child of God. 

The one thing I'm completely confident about is that my son knows I love him. That's what really matters! 

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Colossians 3:23-24

Build 'Em Up :: Remembering You

I'm linking up again today for Build 'Em Up with Kelly, Erin, Jennifer, and Courtney! 

I would venture a guess that this topic, remembering ourselves, is a hard topic for mothers.

I remember when Griffin was born thinking that any time I took for myself was selfish. I had been fed that lie by someone who wasn't even a mother yet. I should've known better! 

Slowly, I began to realize that time for myself wasn't selfish, but that it was necessary and life giving for me. I'm not talking about anything crazy, but just taking time to remember that I was still Rachel. I was Mommy now, and it was the most blessed thing, but I was also still Rachel. 

The best way that I've been able to remember myself, if you will, is to just take a little bit of time each day to do something that I enjoy or something that helps me to relax. On certain days, it's only ten minutes and on other days, it's a few hours. Some days, it doesn't happen at all, but that's okay.

I don't think it's always necessary to spend money to remember yourself, either. Don't get me wrong; sometimes, I do think it's necessary! Every girl needs a manicure once in awhile. I remember one week about a year ago, I had a little time to myself after running some errands. I could've counted the solo errands as some good alone time and headed home to check things off my to-do list, but I didn't. I stopped at Barnes & Noble, grabbed a book I'd been wanting to read, and bought myself a piece of cheesecake from the Starbucks cafe. I didn't stay for long and I didn't even buy the book, but it was refreshing and I was ready to go home and see my boy when I was finished.

We live far from both of our families... as in 4 hour minimum drives. This doesn't allow me the luxury of dropping Griffin off at my parent's house so I can get a pedicure or grocery shop alone. This also means that I am with Griffin nearly 100% of the time. I love that child with every fiber of my being, but sometimes I need a break that isn't during nap time. Does anybody hear me? I think he needs a break from me too! I have some incredible friends who have offered to keep Griffin from time to time and it's a huge blessing to me. If there's anything I can recommend to moms, it's that you find a friend who doesn't have local family and offer to babysit for her once a month or so. Just mark it on your calendar each month to remind yourself! Our friends who babysit for us have been such a blessing to me.

I don't think there is a perfect formula to remembering yourself as a mom. I think it depends on the individual and the circumstance. I know a lot of women find a hot bath relaxing and once in awhile, I do too. But most of the time? No thanks! I would much rather sit on our porch with a cocktail and my book. I love to cook and if he's able, Tyler will occupy Griffin while I make supper each night. I love streaming a show on Netflix and putting together a meal for my family. I love to grocery shop. Weird, right? I love meal planning each Sunday and going to the grocery store on Mondays... with Griffin. Yes, you read that right.

In conjunction with that last confession, I've learned that sometimes, remembering myself can't feasibly be done as a solo activity. There are days where we have 4 activities, weeks where Tyler is out of town, or times when Griffin just doesn't leave my side all day. Sometimes, I like to remember myself with my little companion by my side! I really do love to grocery shop. I am a weird, weird woman in that I actually prefer to grocery shop with Griffin. It's a sweet time for the two of us where there are little distractions and a lot of time for interaction. I love to share the experience with him. In that, I feel rejuvenated and able to be a better version of myself.

I think it's key to figure out what works for you. How do you remember you? What rejuvenates you? I'd bet that most moms who read this post wouldn't agree that grocery shopping with your two year old would fall under that category. By itself, it surely wouldn't for me either. But paired with other solo moments and time spent reading, cooking, driving alone, having dinner dates with my husband and my friends, etc., it's what does it for me. And I am grateful.

I am always striving to be the best Christ follower, wife, and mother I can be. It's not always an easy process or road. In fact, it's rarely easy. But I do think that taking marked time out to remember yourself isn't selfish, but vital in motherhood and in just being the best version of ourselves. I know that the time I spend away from Griffin typically leaves me feeling refreshed, renewed, and missing him so much I can hardly stand it. 

Motherhood is a wild ride, but if there's anything I've learned, it's that you have to do what works for you. Don't let anyone tell you lies that taking time for yourself is selfish. Ain't nobody got time for that! 

Build 'Em Up :: The Joy of Playing with Your Kids

I'm linking up again today with Erin, Kelly, Jennifer, and Courtney for today's Build 'Em Up topic-- The Joy of Playing with Your Kids. I loved reading all the posts a few weeks ago and am looking forward to reading more today! 

I am no stranger to playing with kids. In high school and college, I only ever held one "real" job because I made all my money babysitting. I was the little girl who played with dolls well into upper elementary school and who always dreamt of having a houseful of children myself. I entered college knowing full well that I wanted to be an elementary school teacher and never wavered once. I taught kindergarten and loved every second of it! Yes, I was teaching, but in kindergarten, there is still a lot of free and structured play. 

Then, my sweet Griffin boy came along. Newborns don't do a whole lot of playing, but I did sit around, admire, and snuggle him as long as he'd let me. He was a very sweet content baby and we did a lot of getting to know each other in those first few months. It was a sweet season; I was learning this fantastic new little person, he was learning me, and I was able to stay on top of things around the house relatively well because he wasn't mobile. 

But then Griffin grew, as babies typically do. That wasn't meant to be a rhyme, but whatever. It became harder to keep up around things around the house because he was mobile. Then, he began to learn how to express himself and tell me what he wanted. Now, I have a rambunctious and fun loving toddler who has no problem telling me what he wants to do and more importantly, what he wants me to do.

Griffin would love nothing more than to play with his mama 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and truthfully, I would love to do nothing more, but it's just not realistic. I remember feeling supremely guilty about this around a year ago when someone told me that it was good for Griffin to see me doing things around the house, because I was working for the Lord and for my husband. That was very comforting to me and helped to ease my self-imposed guilt a little bit.

However, it's a really hard balance to strike. I don't do well at this. I find that I have days where I clean and tidy and work every one of Griffin's waking hours and then I have days where I let everything go to pot because I just play with him all day long. And to me, that's okay. That's life. 

Until recently, I was working outside of the house 2-3 days a week. Griffin was with me, which we were so grateful for, but it was still 2-3 days outside of my house. I felt like I could never catch up, which was an unrealistic expectation I put on myself, but I found that when we were home, I was running around doing things like a crazed maniac. It wasn't pretty, but that's another post for another time. Unfortunately, that insecurity that I placed on myself affected the time I played with Griffin. I was always thinking of what I needed to do next and what was on my to-do list for that day. Pretty dumb, but it's true. 

As Griffin has grown into a two year old, he plays independently pretty well, but there is nothing that brings him to life like uninterrupted play with his mama that is free of the phone, television, and any other distractions. We love to play puzzles, color, dance, read, and play with cars and his construction vehicles. He is all boy and he loves running around, wrestling, throwing balls, and playing in forts. We both love being outside and are both craving better weather. This sounds cheesy, but really, it doesn't matter what we're doing as long as we're together. I love that about our bond. I love that the girls titled this weeks post theme "The Joy of Playing with Your Kids", because that really is the primary emotion I feel when Griffin and I play together! He is my joy boy. 

I'm trying to get better about being interrupted by Griffin wanting to play. Sure, there are times where I need to finish what I'm doing, but many times when he comes running to me saying, "Mommy sit!" or "Mommy, got you!" (which are his ways of saying he wants time with me), I am fully capable of putting down what I'm doing and returning to it at a later time. I know it's cliche, but the saying really is true-- the days are long, but the years are short. There will always be rooms to clean, emails to return, dinner to start, laundry to do, etc., but my boy will not always be two. I need that reminder tattooed on my forehead. 

It is our prayer that we will someday have more children, so this really will be the only time of my life that I have an only child and it's a special thing to be able to focus on him and our time together. I love being Griffin's mom! It is truly one of my greatest earthly joys. 

And just to keep it real, as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, he was begging me to play cars with him. I kept saying, "Just one more minute!" which is just what I'm trying to avoid. Come on, Rachel! Read your own post, for crying out loud. The next thing I know, I look over and he is EATING THE SEQUINS OFF MY FANCY EASTER RABBIT. I tried to fish them out of his mouth and got bit in the process and I'm pretty sure I didn't even get them all. That will be a fun diaper change. 

After the fancy Easter rabbit incident, I pulled him up on my lap for the last few moments of this post. He sat so sweetly and quietly-- he just wanted to be with his mama and the feeling is completely mutual. We even took a picture that I will share (in all my makeup free glory, WOOF) so that I can remember this lazy, pajama filled morning where he ate some pink sequins. But seriously, I love this boy with my whole heart and it's my prayer that I can start prioritizing time to play with him over the silly things that can wait. I know that someday, he probably won't even want to talk to me, so I'm soaking it up while I can. I'm so thankful for my little trophy of grace in my life... my sweet, sweet boy!

It all started with a tube of toothpaste

Before I was a mom, even before I got pregnant, I had an exhaustive list of things that I said I would never, ever do as a mother. I should share that list sometime just so we can all have a good laugh. One of those things was that I would NEVER give my baby the POISON that was formula. That's supposed to be sarcastic, if you can't tell. We all know how that turned out.

What I'm saying is that I was a self-righteous fool and I've learned to never say never. God will usually snap those opportunities up and use them to humble me something fierce. And those humbling seasons, although helpful and refining, aren't the most fun.

In case you're wondering, what I'm about to share with you is not one of those humbling seasons, but rather a humbling moment. I am going to stop rambling and get to the point.

Before I was pregnant, during my pregnancy, and even after Griffin was born, I was adamant that I would never allow him to wear any clothing with characters. I'm talking Winnie the Pooh, Disney animals, Mickey, etc. I don't know why I got this in my head, but I did and I was sticking to my guns, dang it. It was a pride issue. I have lots of those, apparently.

One day, the time came for me to buy Griffin a toothbrush and toothpaste. I bought the baby kind at Target that came with a tiny toothbrush and small tube of toothpaste that had Elmo on the front. It sits in a little basket on Griffin's dresser.

Shortly after buying the teeth accessories, Griffin decided that he hated having his diaper changed. In order to avoid having a WWE sized wrestling match during every change, I would ask him, "Do you want to hold Elmo?" which was my peace offering of his toothbrush and toothpaste. It always pacified him long enough to do a quick change that didn't end with me sweating like a man.

One day, he randomly started crying for EMMO, EMMO. It took me awhile to realize that he was crying for the furry red monster on his toothpaste. It took me awhile to figure it out because he had never seen anything with Elmo on TV. I wish my child was crying because he wanted his teeth to be clean all the time, but he was just crying for Elmo, not his actual toothpaste. I could've had a future dentist on my hands!

Toothpaste Elmo became an obsession. He wanted his toothpaste (and toothbrush) ALL THE TIME. We would be in stores and he would find every tiny thing with Elmo on it and cry for it until I let him hold it. Once, he carried a box of frozen waffles with Elmo's picture on it around Kroger because he would scream when I took it away. That box of waffles came home with us.

I stuck to my guns and although he still loved Elmo, I wouldn't buy him any clothes with Elmo. Then one day, I pulled down some hand-me-downs from a friend's little boy. Lo and behold, there was a pair of Elmo pajamas in the bin. I showed them to G and he actually squealed. He hugged and kissed them-- jammies! It was so sweet.

Then I realized something. I was letting my pride get in the way of something that brought my child joy. It wasn't something that would hurt him or affect him negatively. He loves Elmo and Elmo is a pretty sweet little monster. I felt pretty ashamed when I realized what I'd been doing. I washed those jammies and he wore them that night. When we put the shirt on him, his face just lit up and he rubbed his belly saying, "Emmo! Emmo!"

Since then, we've added some more Elmo things to our collection of toys. We've rented some Elmo DVD's from the library and they've given this momma a few minutes of peace. I've gotten over my Elmo road block for the most part. He outgrew the jammies a few weeks ago, but we've been able to get by with our books and toothpaste since then.

That is, until yesterday. We were at the store and he started yelling for EMMO, EMMO. I saw what he was looking at and I couldn't resist...

Never say never, my friends. Unless it comes to Sponge Bob. Then I can actually say never. I despise that disrespectful little sponge.

And yes... that is the toothpaste and toothbrush that started it all. God bless dental hygiene and Elmo.

 

31 Days of Haney Life :: Day 2

If you're unfamiliar with my 31 Days topic, please take a moment and visit this post.

Today is October 2, 2012 and Griffin is 18 months old.

I'm going to admit it right up front. Today we stayed in our pajamas all day long. I don't remember the last time we did that and it was glorious! It was a rainy, gloomy day and it felt good to just do nothing outside the house. We had a lot of fun and were super comfy all day. Griffin didn't seem to mind one bit! I started my day with one of my favorite mugs. When we were first married, we really didn't have many coffee mugs, so my parents gave us a few of their old ones. This one always makes me smile because not only does it remind me of my mom and dad, but it is so encouraging! Ha! How can you have a bad day when you're using this mug for your coffee (and pumpkin creamer)?

Griffin and I hung out on the couch while I drank my coffee and we watched his very favorite show, Super Why. I've finally found a television show that he likes. Nothing else keeps his attention, and even Super Why only engages him for about 10 minutes. But I will take those 10 minutes! I knew he was done with old Super Why when he started biting my shirt. It actually made me laugh SO hard until he caught my skin with one bite. At least it took my mind off the pain in my ear for a moment!

We played and played ALL day long. It was so fun. I let the chores go and just hung out with my boy. He rewarded his mother by taking a 2.5 hour nap which is highly abnormal. I'm saying that so that I don't jinx myself. I rewarded myself by relaxing on the couch and being sad about my ear infection. Somebody get me a violin, geez.

That was the gist of our day! We read, we laughed a lot, and we played. He was in a goofy, silly mood today and made me crack up multiple times today. He's such a funny little guy and a great dancer. I had Dancing with the Stars on in the background this morning, and when Melissa and Tony danced, he stopped and just boogied down. When their dance was finished, he kept signing, "more, more!" I rewinded it so many times, but it was totally worth it. He was just full of delight today. I think he's relieved to be feeling so much better after being sick last week.

There are two extra sweet things he's been doing lately. I realize that no one probably cares about these but me and the grandparents, so bear with me. My favorite things he's said lately are turkey, turtle, and Tokyo. He says Tokyo because that's where his Papa is right now. He enunciates his T's so clearly and they are SO sweet. I'll try to get a video.

He's also been saying "AAAAAAMEN" at the end of every prayer. He always wants to hold hands when we pray for meals and he has begun saying "AAAAAMEN" before Tyler or I can say it at the end of the prayer, but totally at the appropriate time. Such a sweet little smart guy. I love when he says it!

Now my little critter is in bed, and I'm about to pull dinner out of the oven. On the menu for tonight are individual margherita pizzas! Here they are before I put them in the oven.

Here's how I make them: I spread pesto (I actually made and froze this pesto from basil I grew this summer!) on a fresh (not frozen) whole wheat naan from Trader Joe's. I layer thinly sliced mozzarella and thinly sliced tomatoes on top. Then I sprinkle with kosher salt and fresh cracked black pepper. Bake them for 10-15 minutes on 425 and you've got a delicious dinner! This is one of my favorites, especially with fresh pesto. YUM.

I'm thankful for a quiet, easy day with my small one. They aren't too common around these parts, so I'm glad when they come. Happy Tuesday!

Previous 31 Days Posts

31 Days of Haney Life :: Day 1

31 Days of Haney Life

I remember last year when Nester did her 31 Days series. I remember thining that I didn't have any skills good enough to blog about for 31 days. A year later, I still think the same thing. I'm not a great runner, I like to cook but don't really have enough original recipes or tips to blog about for 31 days, I'm not a photographer, etc. You get the idea! I didn't think I was an "expert" or even knowledgeable enough to blog about any specific topic for a month straight.

But this year, I realized something. I am an expert at something-- being a real wife and a real mom. I can tell you in full detail that sometimes I have great days as a wife and a mom where I am ON IT. The house is clean, my quiet time is great, my tasks are all completed, I make a delicious meal, and my child eats and sleeps well. My husband and I are really in sync, too. Then I can tell you that (more often than not), I have rough days. My house is a mess, I snap at Griffin and Tyler, we eat late because I just can't get it together, and my quiet time gets pushed to the next day's to-do list. Those days are a lot more common than the afore mentioned perfect day.

That, my friends, is our real life. My pastor recently said something in his sermon about social media. He said that so often than not, we post the glamorous things, the perfect things. We're sure to post pictures and tweets when we're making fresh bread or have prepared a delicious meal. When our child is dressed to the nines and our house is tidy. Rarely do we post pictures of the frozen pizza that we overcooked or our trashed living rooms. My friend, Megan (who also made my 31 Days button, THANKS GIRL) said something a month or so ago that hs resonated with me so deeply since. She said, "Don't judge your life by someone else's highlight reel." That is so true and hard to do when we're constantly bombarded with blogs, tweets, Instagrams, and Facebook pictures and statuses of everyone's "highlight" reel, if you will.

So, it's my goal to take the next 31 days and not only get back to blogging, but show you what our real life looks like. Obviously, I won't disclose everything, but I hope to paint a realistic picture of what our daily life looks like, the good and the bad! Maybe it'll simply serve as a reminder to me in a few years of what life looked like for us right now, but maybe it'll also encourage another young wife and mom who is both stumbling and sailing through a beautiful life one day at a time.

 

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

This sweet boy let me rock him to sleep last night. I found myself unable to get up and we rocked and rocked for nearly an hour. It was the best part of my day. I love being a momma!

I'm Here!

I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I'm going to start blogging more. 

Ha! I know you're thinking, "Yeah, right. She's crazy." Maybe I am. Well, I am definitely. But I'm making it a priority this year. We're having too much fun to not document it for the future. 

 I really haven't had a good way to blog lately. We only have one computer and Ty uses it for work. However, thanks to Tyler's big business win, I now have an iPad of my very own now. I'm so proud of him and I'm very thankful! What a good man. Please bear with me as I try to figure out this blogging thing from the iPad. I'm using an app I think I like (Blogsy), but if any of y'all have suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

 I've got a lot of stuff brewing in my head. I'm guessing that basically none of it will be important to anyone besides me and maybe Tyler, although, when I have a thought, I generally share it with him no matter what, so I'm thinking that most things I write about won't be a complete surprise tI have to write Griffin's 9 and 10 month posts. I have pictures, but no posts. I can't believe he's 10 months. Didn't I just have him yesterday? I have a little bit of baby fever, but not enough to where I want to be puking for 20 weeks and then pushing out a giant baby again. No sir. I'm good for awhile. 

So, yes, I do indeed promise that I will be back soon. I love the friends I've made from the blogging and Twitter community and I don't want to let the blog slide just because I am obsessed like Twitter a little bit. 

And in other news? This guy is still darling. But I'm sure none of you are surprised by that. 

 

Happy Tuesday, my friends! I've missed you! 

My BFing Journey: Part 2 (Plus a short PSA)

Please take a few minutes to read Part 1 or else this won't really be a complete story. Just as a side note, this is a loooong post and if you only read a little bit of it, please skip to the end and read that part.

As I finished with on the last installment, at about 4 weeks, Griffin finally started latching and eating. I was so thrilled. That was on a Thursday evening, but earlier in the week, I had scheduled an appointment with a lactation consultant at the hospital on Friday. Even though he latched and ate well that night, I still wanted to go in the next day. I just had this gut feeling. Something I'm learning as a mom? Always trust your gut. I'm so, so glad I did.

The next day, Griffin and I met with Suzanne (who is a saint-- no, really, a real life saint). She weighed him, watched him latch and eat for 15-20 minutes, and then weighed him again. In that time period, he gained almost nothing which is abnormal. For a 4 week old baby to eat for that long and gain so little, she knew something was off. I definitely had milk and he was trying so hard to eat, but he just wasn't gaining. We tried this a few times and he wasn't gaining weight.

In short, she started feeling around and looking in his mouth. She then told me that she thought he had something called a posterior tongue tie. There are lots of babies who have tongue tie, but Griffin's tongue tie was different and pretty uncommon. She told me she was pretty confident that this was the problem. He couldn't extend or lateralize his tongue, which made it virtually impossible for him to extract any milk. This explained his early weight gain issues. She told me that there was one doctor in the Cincinnati Dayton area that clipped these specific tongue ties, a dentist named Dr. N. She encouraged me to call him first thing on Monday to schedule an appointment.

Over the weekend, of course I consulted Dr. Google and freaked myself OUT. I was also emotionally exhausted. I wanted to nurse my baby so badly and I just didn't know what I would do if we went to see Dr. N on Monday and he told us that this wasn't the problem. Griffin continued to nurse well through the weekend, but I didn't want to take the risk of him continuing to lose weight. I was also still in horrible, horrible pain.

I did call Dr. N first thing on Monday, preparing myself to have to wait for a week or so. The receptionist was a wonderful woman and asked me how quickly we could get there. We packed up and headed to Dayton an hour later.

During our appointment, Dr. N confirmed that indeed, this was a posterior tongue tie and that he would be able to clip it that day. He explained that this was why Griffin had a heart shaped tongue, why he couldn't open his mouth very wide or high, and why he continually was pursing his lips into the tiniest little "O" shape. He was an incredible doctor. He was so kind to me and answered all my questions. He gently told me that I had been doing everything right, but that this was just part of Griffin that could be fixed quickly. He also told me that at 4 weeks old, the nerve endings in a baby's mouth are not completely developed, so his pain would be minimal if he felt anything at all. He also took my hand and told me that I was a wonderful mother. I lost it and just cried and cried. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I truly think he was an angel in disguise.

I held Griffin as Dr. N clipped his tongue tie and I honestly think Griffin was more angry about the fact that someone had their fingers in his mouth for an extended period of time. He was easily consoled after the clip and he ate almost immediately. I'm being honest when I tell you that I could see a difference instantly. His mouth opened wider, his tongue looked normal, and when he ate, his ear moved up and down. His ear had never moved while eating before that moment.

We went home and two days later, under the advice of a professional, I took him completely off the bottle and we did "breastfeeding boot camp". I didn't leave the house for a few days and nursed him whenever he was hungry. He got the hang of nursing exclusively and started doing very well. Eventually we moved to a schedule, but for a week or so, I fed on demand.

For the next two weeks, he nursed and he nursed well. In a perfect world, this would be the end of my story. Actually, in a perfect world he would have nursed well in the hospital, but whatever. The only problem was that my pain level grew and grew and grew. My friends who had breastfed told me to stick it out for at least two weeks, that those were the most painful weeks, but that at the end of two weeks, things would improve.

WELL.

At the end of two weeks, I was horribly damaged. I could not feed Griffin without gasping and crying the whole time. Remember me? Twenty one HOURS of non-medicated labor without one tear? Yes. I was gasping for air because of the pain and it only got worse. At two weeks, it was unbearable. Again, I'd tried every trick in the book, including a shield. Nothing helped. I was dreading every single feeding and when you are feeding a baby every three hours, it tends to become very discouraging.

When Griffin was 6 weeks old,  we went back to Suzanne (our lactation consultant). He ate and gained  more than he had before having his tongue clipped, but she was very understanding of the excruciating pain that I was experiencing. She started feeling around in his mouth again. I will never forget what she said next. She looked at me and said, "I hate to tell you this, but he has a very high pallet (roof of his mouth)". She explained that because of the high roof of his mouth, when he was eating, he was bending my n*pple straight up and it was rubbing on the roof of his mouth. She told me that if you rub a sore for 30-40 minutes per day, 7-8 times per day, it will never heal. Obviously, there is not much that can be done for the high pallet. I about lost my mind right there in her office. I thought, "Well, this is it. At least I tried every possible thing I could". She gave me a few possible options, but she suggested that I try a smaller shield. She taught me how to use it and told me to go home and try it for a bit, but to call her if I needed anything. We actually are Facebook friends now. She was and is an amazing person and I'm forever thankful to her.

I went home, used the shield on both sides, and never looked back. Since that day, I have only nursed Griffin a handful of times without it. He won't eat for long if I don't use it. Some people would be very upset that they were only able to nurse with a shield, but I am so grateful for it. Without the shield, I never would have been able to nurse my son for the last 6 months. I would have never been able to continue nursing without it because of the damage I suffered. Even with the shield, I still bled and had pain until Griffin was about 4 1/2 months old. It got better, but it was definitely hard. I got mastitis a few more times, I can't nurse in public because of the difficulty of getting the shield on properly and for me, there was and never has been anything easy about nursing.

Another part (the final part, I promise!) of this story is the part that I have become very passionate about. I said in Part 1 that I fully expected that Griffin would nurse immediately. I was an expert on feeding babies before I actually had a baby. We had lots of formula samples and I threw them away. I remember telling Tyler, "I don't even want formula in the house.It's not an option for me." Stupid. I didn't even want bottles in our cabinets because I wasn't going to give the baby a bottle of breast milk until he was at least 4 weeks old. Yes, I was quite the expert.

Here is where I am going to be completely honest-- when I saw women feeding their babies formula or had friends who fed their babies formula, I judged them and I judged them HARD. I would hear women say, "Nursing just didn't work/ wasn't for me" and I would think, "That is awful! Why wouldn't you do something so easy and use something to feed your baby that is healthy and FREE?" and "Yeah, I'm sure it didn't work for you. Whatever." Again, I was very experienced in feeding the baby that I DIDN'T HAVE.

What I didn't share above is that every since Griffin was about 4 months old, he has had way more formula than breast milk. He is currently 6 months old, and for all the feedings at home or at work, I nurse him first, then give him a 6 ounce bottle. If we're out, I just give him a bottle, but when we're home, I still nurse him first. I plan to continue this until his first birthday, if he'll continue to be compliant.

My milk supply suffered greatly because of all of our "stop and go" issues. I tried Fenugreek and Mother's Milk tea, but they gave me mastitis and plugged ducts. I didn't have the milk supply to feed my baby enough to make him grow, so I had no other choice but to go with formula.

And you know what? Formula? It's great. Not to be dramatic, but it saved my baby's life. It has helped him to thrive and grow into a very sweet, curious, and dare I say smart little 6 month old. He hasn't grown a third arm or a hump on his back because of formula. He sleeps through the night and loves both nursing and his bottles. It has given me a great sense of freedom that I can leave him with his daddy or a sitter and not have to be worried about whether he'll take a bottle or not. It has given Griffin and his dad a great time of bonding through feeding. For us, Formula has been a God-send.

If you'd have told me a year ago that I'd be typing these words, I would have told you that you were a nut. I WAS GOING TO BREASTFEED, HEAR ME ROAR. Except that's not how it worked. If we end up having other children, I will certainly attempt to nurse them, but if we have problems, I know that I have a fantastic option to help me feed my baby.

In conclusion, I want to speak to the women out there who tend to be "experts" on breastfeeding, whether it was easy for you or you're an "expert" like I was pre-baby. Please be kind. Please be gentle with us who wanted to nurse so badly and couldn't. To those who tried everything and weren't successful. To those of us who never made enough milk or who never made milk period. To those of us who had sick babies and babies who didn't gain weight  on breast milk, so we had no choice but to feed our babies with formula. To those of us who chose not to nurse because it wasn't for us-- which is perfectly, perfectly fine. I fully realize that the majority of nursing moms out there aren't judging others, but they do exist. There are moms who have fed their babies formula exclusively who judge breastfeeding moms! It is a two-sided coin, but in my experience, the side that lands heads-up most often is the "judging of formula feeding moms" side.

The fact that I wanted to nurse exclusively and couldn't has been an extremely emotional journey for me. Just ask my family and the few friends who walked me through every step. I wanted to be a nursing mom so, so badly. I was a basket case and I felt like I had failed my baby. Did I fail Griffin because he wasn't fed only by breast milk? NO, but for a long time I felt like I had! I felt like I had failed him because I had been subjected to several sources who treated formula as if it were of the devil. Formula is life giving to many babies, but so is breast milk. I could play this game all day, but I won't.
I am so thankful for a beautiful and healthy baby. I learned a few months ago that I had to let go of the guilt I had impressed upon myself about using formula and be thankful that I had the option. I truly am thankful that I live in a country that gives me the option of feeding my baby in a healthy and alternative way. Formula is not the enemy. The real enemy is the judgement that can come along with motherhood. We all need to learn to support and love each other more, no matter what our differences.

And because no post is complete without a picture of this darling boy, I give you my precious (breast AND formula fed) baby boy.

If you have any further questions about my experience or nursing questions in general, I would love to talk to you more. I am certainly no expert, but I'm willing to tell any details that might help someone in need. Feel free to contact me at rnoelhaney (at) gmail (dot) com.