Weekend Update

We had a wonderful weekend! Again, for the sake of preserving our family memories, I have been encouraged to record them. I doubt that this will be interesting for anyone else, but my hope is that my kids will be able to read here when they're older about this fun season we're in. 

We had a busy week last week, so the kids and I stuck around the house on Friday. I love having a full day at home after we've left the house a lot and I think it's good for them, too. At least thats what I tell myself! 

Griffin and I spent most of the morning filling up his busy boxes. He gave up napping about a year ago, but for my sanity and his good, we still require him to have rest time in the afternoon. He reads quietly (and by quietly, I mean the exact opposite) on his bed for 30 minutes and then he has to play in his room for an hour.

However, lately, all I hear is his door opening every 10 minutes and a voice calling my name asking me when rest time is over. I get frustrated and snap at him, then he gets his feelings hurt, and on and on the cycle goes. Truly, it's been primarily my fault, because Griffin is a kid who needs structure. Putting him in his room and turning him loose rarely results in good things. I often open the door to something that is reminiscent of this...

We haven't ventured into the world of Legos yet, but I do see this in my future. Holy smokes.

Anyway, most of Griffin's inability to have that time in his room was because of his lack of direction. Enter busy boxes. I took 5 smallish plastic tubs and filled each one with different games/ activities/ puzzles and labeled them each with a different weekday. I found things from my old teaching stash and dug out some puzzles and games we don't do often. I made sure he can do everything on his own. 

The result? 90 glorious minutes of quiet on Friday. I foresee having to switch each box up every few months or so, but since he'll only see each box once every week, I'm thinking it could be longer than that. I hope to share these in the next week or so! I love seeing what other moms are doing to help their kids be successful and also to steal some quiet time for themselves. Much of my motivation for these boxes was purely selfish, but hey, I'll own it! 

Oh, and while I was fixing lunch, he used some Solo cups and popsicle sticks to make "a gate" and was so very proud of himself. Sometimes I don't give this child enough credit; he's very creative. We really don't (always) need to give them these elaborate crafts. I fall into that trap a lot, but it's important to foster this kind of independent creativity. I'm only preaching to myself here!

Friday evening, we had our best friends over, ate pizza, and the kids played. I can't go on and on about this, because I'll find myself being overly Ramotional, but they're moving away in a few days. We've been soaking up our time with them. It's one of those once-in-a-lifetime friendships. Annie and I are close, our husbands are close, our kids are close. We know that doesn't come along often, and we're so grateful that even though our time of living 5 minutes away is drawing to a close, we'll still have each other. We are also very proud of them for following what God has clearly asked them to do. They have been faithful to His call and I know He's going to bless them for their obedience!

Typically, we try to take an evening every few weekends and order pizza and let the kids play in our backyard. These have been some of my favorite times as families. We love them so much and are counting on their move just being an extended vacation!

On Saturday morning, the babies and I loaded up the van (Griffin and Tyler had guy day!) and took a little day trip to Dayton where we met up with some of my friends from college and their babes! We spent the afternoon at the pool, and it was so fun to catch up and meet their sweet kids. I had lots of help with Samuel, who has decided that he's too good for a stroller nap, and Annabeth loved splashing in the baby pool with her buds. I don't get to see these girls often enough, so it was wonderful to spend a few hours together! We have eight kids between us; we looked like quite the parade walking down to swim!

 We went to church on Sunday, heard an amazing message (I will try and remember to link to it when it's live on the website), and came home for some lunch and naps. Annabeth always struggles on Sunday afternoon because she's so wiped out. I feel you, girl. I. Feel. You.

We popped over to my parent's for a minute to pick some of their veggies. They started a small garden this year with Griffin and it's been a hit! We picked peppers, tomatoes, and green beans. Griffy was most excited about the peppers; he likes to chomp on raw banana peppers. To each their own, I say!

Griffin and I hit up Aldi and Kroger, then came home where I worked on a double batch of my mom's lasagna. It's a bit of a time intensive lasagna, but oh my stars... so worth it. I will try and blog the recipe this week because it's the best I've ever had! 

I had planned on taking dinner to Nick and Annie as they're preparing to move, but after a series of texts, we decided to have them come over for dinner instead. I'm so glad it worked out that way, because it was a sweet bonus to what we thought was our last night together on Friday! The big kids ended up finding their way into the baby pool with their clothes on, but spontaneity is the spice of life, right? It kept them occupied for a long time and they couldn't stop laughing! That's a perfect Sunday night in my book. Lasagna and friends; what could be better?

At bedtime, I had the bright idea to take a very overtired baby and try putting him down unswaddled for the first time. I will let this picture that I took to send to my mom in the the 10 o'clock hour tell you how it went:

Maybe his true source of rage was the fact that I had clothed him in his sister's hand-me-down swaddle. I guess we'll never know. Actually, I do know, because once I gave up the fight at 11:00 and wrapped him up tight, he slept like the champion that he is and woke up this morning back to his happy self! Maybe he'll just be one of those kids whose mom has to go to college with him to swaddle him each night. I can only hope and dream! Kidding. A little. 

That was our weekend! It was full of friends, fun, and great food. I woke up this morning and kicked off the week with a visit to urgent care for a double ear infection. Happy Monday to me! 

I hope you have a wonderful week and that your ears are clear of fluid, unlike mine. How's that for a sign off? 

Five on Friday :: Jumping Back In!

What a better way to jump back into blogging than with an itemized list of things I love? I'm sure everyone is waiting with baited breath. I won't make you wait any longer; here are five things I'm finding irresistible these days.

1. Podcasts

Have I been under a rock for the last few years? Until recently, the only two podcasts I'd spent any time listening to were The Big Boo Cast (which I highly recommend!) and Serial (also highly recommend and I am firmly on Team Jay is Totally Guilty). However, the BBC doesn't record theirs with any regularity and Serial is over for now, so I wasn't listening to any podcasts other than my church's when I would miss the message.

A month or so ago, my friend Krysta recommended The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey and I do believe I've found my true Internet spirit animal in Jamie (hopefully she never reads this because HOLY EMBARRASSING). I've blown through 23 episodes in a month while folding laundry, cooking dinner, watering my flowers... basically, I have accomplished a lot of housework that I'd been neglecting thanks to Jamie. The Happy Hour was a gateway to other podcasts and although it's my favorite, I have subscribed to several that I love. Do you have any podcast recommendations? I'm all ears!

Another few honorable podcast mentions:

Sorta Awesome with Megan Tietz, Mystery Show, The Popcast, The Dave Ramsey Show, The Longest Shortest Time, Grace Fellowship Church (shameless plug for my church!) 

2. Pomegranate and Orange San Pellegrino 

I don't like sparkling water. I just don't. I'm a big fan of regular ice-water, but sparkling water has always tasted like a tasteless, pointless cocktail to me. La Croix? Blech, no thank you. This summer, my friend Le brought some of this over one night and had me try it, even after I insisted that I DO NOT LIKE SPARKLING WATER. Luckily she's persistent, because this is my new favorite. It helps that it tastes more like juice, but boy, is it delicious! I will admit that I was indeed wrong about this particular sparkling beverage, but don't too excited. My sparkling waters begin and end with my beloved Pomegranate and Orange San P. Best of all, it's too "spicy" for Griffin, so I don't have to share. Huzzah! That's motherhood for you, huh?

3. Books

Reading is one of my favorite things to do, but these days, I just don't have the time to read as much as I'd like. Consequently, I have a book list a mile long, but I'm always taking recommendations! I did recently read The Knockoff (Loved it and gave it five stars on GoodReads, but I felt that a large chunk of the story seemed a bit unbelievable), The Girl on the Train (Dark, but compelling. I did figure out the end about 3/4 of the way through the book) and Luckiest Girl Alive (SO dark and the language made me flinch a lot, but I couldn't put it down and sadly, I think many women in this day and age can probably relate to the main character), so those are out. 

Books that are on my To-Read list...

A Praying Life, The Fringe Hours, Nobody's Cuter Than You, Girls Like Us, From Scratch, From Scratch: The Uncensored History of The Food Network (Those last two are different books, but I'm dying to read them both!), Counter Culture, Thriving in Babylon, The Royal We

4. Chobani Flips

I'm fairly certain I've mentioned these before on my blog, but Mama don't curr because these are amazing. I don't love yogurt, but I could put down a few of these a day. My two that are tied for favorite are the Peanut Butter Dream and the Key Lime Crumble, but they're all so good. Get you some. 

5. Toes

Specifically these thirty tootsies and the humans that are attached to them. 

Disclaimer: these are the only toes I like. If you're not my kid, get your feet away from me, por favor. My best friend and college roommate used to think it was funny to try and comb my hair with her TOES. Thinking about it makes me gag. She still thinks it's hilarious. I think we should take a blog vote, mostly because I'm sure my side would win. Sorry to throw you under the bus, Lisa. You know I love you... but not your feet.

Have a wonderful weekend, my friends!

Here I Am!

How does one start a blog post when they haven't blogged in nearly 12 months? I guess I should just jump in!

Much has changed for us in those months. We moved to a new house (that we love) in a new state (that we love even more, although it was only a 25 minute move) and had a new baby (that we love the most)!

It's been a year of changes and if you know me, you know I don't like change. However, these changes have led us into one of the sweetest seasons I could've imagined.

Our new house is a great setup for our little family and it's in a wonderful neighborhood. We have a big backyard that has no pool (Hallelujah! We were so over being pool owners.) and the kids love to run and play. I love to be able to read a chapter in my book and not have to worry about someone drowning. Griffin was always very cautious around the pool, but Annabeth is a different story. The Lord knew that we needed to get out of that house before she became mobile. Having her around a pool that took up 80% of the backyard would've been a nightmare. We do miss our house and especially our amazing neighbors, but this is a good place for us in this season of our family life.

The best part of our new house is that my parents live ten minutes away! I can't remember if I previously mentioned it, but they made the big move from Michigan about a year ago. It has been a joy to do daily life with them; my kids are so thrilled to see them regularly and Tyler and I surely don't mind the free babysitting! It has been blessing to have them so close and after seven years away, I certainly do not take it for granted.

Now to the most important change of 2015. On at 8:41 pm on April 3, our precious third baby made his grand entrance. John Samuel Haney has been an angel from the start. When he was born, they weighed him twice to be sure the scale wasn't broken and he indeed was a whopping 9 lbs, 4.5 ounces and a long boy at 22 inches long! I hope to write out his birth story soon. All three of my births have been very different, but my word, is there anything better than the birth of your baby? Praise God for such a gift!

We named him John after my brother, but also because it means "the grace and mercy of the Lord". Samuel means "asked of God; heard by God". Last June, I sat on my back deck and wrote in my prayer book asking God to give us another baby someday, somehow, some way. Many of you know that having Annabeth was not easy for us and we were not guaranteed any more children after Griffin, so that prayer was audacious and bold. A month later, we discovered that Samuel was on his way. Basically what I'm saying is that if you desire something, feel free to ask me to pray about it, because it generally produces results. (I kid, I kid!)

Samuel has been the sweetest, sweetest baby. He fits right in, goes with the flow, and is adored by Griffin and Annabeth. He's growing like a weed (how is he 4 months old already!?) and I'm trying my best to find out a way to effectively stop time. No luck yet, but when I do, I'm pretty sure I'll make a fortune.

Griffin and Annabeth are both doing well. Griffin will be in 4 year old preschool this fall; we love his school! It's a wonderful place with even better people. He LOVES playing sports (soccer, baseball, "dennis", golf) and is big on quality time with his people. He also loves reading poetry books, which makes my teacher heart so happy! He is sweet and spunky and one of the funniest people I've ever met!

Annabeth is every ounce of a delicious 18 month old. She is busy, but such a joyful little girl. She loves stuffed animals, reading books, climbing on things, and sleeping. She really loves her brothers and the feeling is mutual! She has done so well with her transition to big sister; she is so sweet to Samuel and loves to kiss him and tell him to "Shhh!" They are 14 months apart to the day.

Tyler is busy with work and we're both really thankful for a good job that he loves. I still stay home with the kids and it is the best job I've ever had! We've been tossing around some ideas for something I'd love to start doing while staying home that would help me use some of my passions; we'll see where it goes! He just gets better with age while I just look older and more tired. You win some, you lose some! ;)

So, as you can see, all is well here. It's obviously a very quick snapshot of what we're up to, and certainly our life is not perfect, but oh my... it is good.  I've been itching to get back to blogging for awhile, but the task felt super daunting. Where do you being when it's been a year and the last post was a surprise pregnancy announcement? This felt like a good place to start, although I can assure you there will be no more pregnancy announcements anytime soon!

Several weeks ago, a sweet friend that I've known for several years through the blog world passed away. I'd been praying for Leslie daily for about four months. She was a dear soul and left behind her husband and two baby girls, who are the same distance in age as Annabeth and Samuel. But she gave her girls such a gift in her blog. They will be able to read about who their mama was, their parents love story, and about how much she loved them... and all in her own words! What a gift. I was prompted to sit down and start to record our memories and our days again after Leslie's passing. These are the best of days and they're passing all too quickly.

I can't promise anything deep or eloquent here, but I promise it'll be real life. I turned 30 last week, and although 30 seems so old, I can't imagine doing anything other than raising our babies and being married to my number one guy at the ripe old age of 3-0. I'll be back soon! Thanks for reading, my dear, dear friends! xo

*You may have noticed I am watermarking my pictures on my blog. I've toyed with taking this private, and probably will do so sooner rather than later, but until then, I wanted to watermark to hopefully avoid anyone stealing pictures of my three greatest earthly treasures. Trust me; I don't think I'm that big of a deal, but I just want to be safe. Thanks for understanding! 

Surprise!

For the second summer in a row, I've been fairly absent on the blog. I promise it's for good reason! You see, in July, we got some unexpected and wonderful news...

We are shocked and absolutely elated! I'm fairly certain that Griffin just thinks I'm eternally pregnant and Annabeth is blissfully unaware that she'll be promoted to big sister in March. 

Tyler and I still can't believe that we're expecting #3. It feels like a dream sometimes, until I look down and see my already growing bump. I'm just over 13 weeks, so I'm into the second trimester and am hoping I will start to feel better soon! 

I will share more soon, but we are so excited to finally spill our big news!

Annabeth's (Really Long) Birth Story :: Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

When I left off, I had been debating whether or not to get an epidural. Tyler didn't care either way and was very supportive of whatever choice I wanted to make.

I remember thinking, "Why wouldn't I get one? Who would I disappoint?' And truthfully, the answer was no one I really cared about.

I knew I wouldn't have the support of the general natural birth community, but for me, the right choice in that moment was to ask for the epidural... so I did. It was my birth, not anyone else's birth and it was the best thing I could've done for myself at that point.

When Dani came in to check on me at 1:00, we told her that I wanted an epidural. She was wonderful and ordered it right away. I cried and cried because I still somehow felt I was letting myself down. I felt like my body was failing me, which was such a lie.

The sweetest anesthesiologist came in about 20 minutes later and got to work. The pain only intensified during those 20 minutes, so when she came in, I was feeling more confident in my decision. I think the crying helped, too.

I truly felt almost nothing when I got the epidural. Well, nothing except contractions and let me tell you, it's not easy to sit up straight and be still for minutes at a time when you're having terrible contractions that are rocking your whole body. But I do think my anesthesiologist was a miracle worker because she got my epi in and cranking so quickly.

Blessed relief!

They got me situated in bed and I started to feel better gradually. I didn't realize that with an epidural, you can still feel your contractions but that they aren't so painful that you think you're going to DIE. I also didn't realize that you can still feel/ somewhat move your legs. I was under the impression that you were 100% paralyzed from the waist down. I kept saying, "I can feel my legs! I can feel them!" I think Dani probably thought I was bananas, but I was so relieved to be out of pain that I think I was semi-delirious. 

Once I was feeling better, Tyler scooted out to grab some to-go lunch at the cafeteria. Dani started shifting me and I was lying on my back when all of a sudden I felt a pop which was my water breaking. Woo hoo! I knew we were well on our way at that point. Dani checked me and I had progressed to a 5, so she encouraged me to rest while I could. I snuggled in for a quick nap around 2:50. A nap! Who would've thought you could nap during labor!? It was glorious. 

I slept well and woke up a little after 3:30. I was still feeling great and I was wondering if I'd progressed at all. Dani came in a few minutes later and said that the baby's heart rate had decelerated a bit, which is often a sign that she is moving down into the birth canal. She checked me and sure enough, I was at a ten and the baby was LOW. She ran out to call my doctor and in came a new nurse to start preparing the room for the birth. 

My mom had been with us for most of the day, but since she was in the delivery room when Griffin was born, we decided to have her leave before I started pushing. We wanted it to be just the two of us this time and she was very respectful and understanding of how we felt. She gave me a quick kiss and a hug and scooted out to the delivery room to wait for her granddaughter! 

Once my mom left, things really started to get going. Dani came in and said that it was a good thing my doctor was already at the hospital because otherwise, she wasn't sure he would've made it in time! Shortly after, he came in and it was baby time!

Selfies before the birth, because why not?

I started pushing right around 4:00. It was all very quiet and calm. I have a wonderful doctor who is very calm and he set the mood for the birth. I pushed for about 15 minutes and it was so different from my experience with Griffin. I don't regret a second of his labor and delivery, but this was just different. I was very present the whole time and very focused. 

Finally, at 4:16 pm on February 3, Annabeth Noel Haney entered the world. It was the best! Our long awaited girl was here! She had the cord wrapped once around her neck, which I've come to understand isn't entirely uncommon. My doctor called it "jewelry". She wasn't crying when she was born, but started soon after. They laid her on my stomach and my heart just stopped. I couldn't believe that after all that we'd gone through prior to her birth, she was finally here in my arms. I didn't even realize I was crying until I looked back at some of the pictures that were taken right after she was born. My beautiful miracle girl.

Our first picture with our girl!

My angel baby.

She was crying something fierce and it was clear that sister was HANGRY. The biggest surprise was her head full of strawberry blonde hair. I think everyone, including me, was expecting a mini-Griffin, but Annabeth was her own girl. She looked (and still looks) just like her daddy. In fact, one of the first coherent thoughts I had was, "That baby doesn't look like me!" She may not look like me, but she was the most beautiful baby girl I'd ever seen.

My wonderful doctor and incredible L&D nurse

They got her cleaned up, foot-printed and wrapped up and then her daddy got to hold her. He got some good cuddles and then he gave her back to me so that I could spend a little time with her. We couldn't help but marvel at the tiny Tyler-girl we were holding in our arms. 

Have mercy.

Shortly after, my mom came back to meet her. It was so special to introduce her to her first granddaughter who was partially named after her. My paternal grandmother, whom I was very close to, was named Elizabeth. My mom's middle name is Ann, so we took the two names and combined them to name her Annabeth. Noel is my middle name and we loved how the two names sounded together. It was also very special to be able to tell my dad that we'd named her after her great grandmother. I know my grandma would've adored my kids.

After my mom got to hold her, it was clear that sister was still very hungry. I'd had a lot of trouble nursing Griffin, so admittedly, this was something I was nervous about. However, she latched and ate like an old pro. Our nursing journey started off smoothly and only had a few minor hiccups. After going through what I did with Griffin, I did not and do not take this for granted. I was so thankful! 

My dad came to meet Annabeth a few hours after she was born and we were able to FaceTime with my brother and Tyler's family that day. Mostly, we just soaked up our girl. I had struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy and the moment she was born, it all evaporated. I can't even come up with the words to express how it feels to hold a baby that doctors had told us a year before probably wouldn't happen for us. It's a sacred redemption. 

The time between her birth and when they moved me out of the labor suite absolutely flew. We headed to our room where my dad brought us food and Annabeth got her first bath. When you have that much hair, they have to really shampoo your head! Sweet girl loved it; she hardly made a peep while she was being bathed. 

A few hours after she was born, my mom noticed that she was taking a deep breath and then many shallow breaths. The charge nurse came in to check on her and they ended up hooking her up to a pulse ox, which made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I stood outside the window of the nursery where she was hooked up until they gave me the "all clear" and brought her back. It ended up that she had inhaled a lot of fluid while she was being born and she was just working to clear her airways. It made me nervous for a bit, but soon she stopped and started breathing normally.

We decided not to have Griffin come to the hospital, which ended up being a good choice seeing as though we got hit with a huge ice storm the night after she was born. We had a few very sweet days getting to know AB at the hospital before we brought her home to meet her brother. I was able to FaceTime with him several times and I don't think he missed me a bit. He loved meeting his baby sister when we got home and he still adores her. 

Although Annabeth ultimately decided to be a February baby instead of a January one, there's no question that she was worth the wait. I always say that the best day of my life was when I married Tyler, but the two best moments of my life thus far have been when our children were born. I haven't found an earthly joy that's comparable to the moment you meet your child. 

During the months preceding my pregnancy with AB and the nine (ten!?) months I was pregnant with her, the song "Not For a Moment" by Meredith Andrews was my anthem. The song is heavy on truth and it spoke to me in every season I found myself. There's a part that says, "I was held in Your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show not for a moment did you forsake me." It doesn't say that you won't feel at times that He's forsaken you, but that He never will... that He will carry you. And He certainly does; I am living proof. I was carried for a thousand miles just to show that He never let me go, not even for a moment. 

I had to trust God's heart for me a lot during the months before I got pregnant. Hindsight was clear and showed me that His hand had been all over that experience and over my pregnancy with Annabeth. Holding her for the first time and looking into her precious face was one of the most all-consuming experiences I've ever had. Here was my redemption baby. Here was God's heart for me through my pain. Here was what He'd been waiting for and whispering into my ear... to wait, because He had something, someone, who would be so wonderful and perfect for our family.

It's also incredibly overwhelming to be trusted with this baby because I know the story does not end like this for everyone. My battle with infertility, although difficult and painful, was somewhat short lived. I hope to share more about this soon, but I'm not naive enough to think that everyone who struggles and fights infertility ends up with a baby. If that is you, all I can say is that I know that take-your-breath-away pain. I know how difficult pregnancy announcements can be. Infertility is isolating and a special kind of torture. I pray that God will meet you where you're at and that His ultimate plan for you is a baby. 

Annabeth Noel was a wonderful gift that was entrusted to us on a frigid afternoon in February. I am so thankful for God's kindness and mercy to our family. We love our girl! 

P.S. I loved my natural birth and I loved my epidural. I would highly recommend both. :)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Well hello there.

I always tend to have trouble figuring out just how to start blog posts. I think this is a problem that will haunt me to the day my blog says goodbye.

I wanted to come here and write. I'm not even sure the direction in which my writing is going to go today, but I need to write.

The winds of change are blowing through our lives. When I say the winds of change, I want to be clear-- there is no bad change here. It's all good, but man... it's big. Also, I'm not pregnant, so don't go thinking that Annabeth is going to be an Irish twin. Ha!

I think of this blog a lot as I go about my day. I think of things I want to share, want to remember. I love the community I've become a part of thanks to blogging and the (albeit spotty) record of our family that I've been able to keep here. However, as my kids grow, I really toy with how "public" this blog should be.

I don't have a huge readership, but it's still a blog that's available to anyone who has an Internet connection. I've toyed with shutting it all down, but I don't think that's the answer because I love this little space so very much. The only other options are to leave it public or take it private. I know I can't control everything, but knowing just who is reading this blog appeals to me.

I've never had the goal of having thousands of readers. It's just never been important to me or the direction my blog has gone. Please hear me when I say that I have dear friends who have a large readership and they are wonderful people and writers. I have gained so much from what they write and how they share their lives. Just because of how I'm feeling doesn't mean that I think they should feel the same. I have to add that disclaimer because I would never want to unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt someone.

I don't want to go away completely. No one puts pressure on me to keep this blog alive but ME. And I feel that pressure from myself every day. I'm a terrible word documenter-- I have the desire, but not the follow through. And with the months that we have ahead of us, I just don't see myself having a lot of time to sit down and write. As I sit here, there is a kitchen full of dishes and stuff that needs to be put away. There's laundry and vacuuming to be done. There are beds to be made. There are thank you notes to write and birth announcements to stamp (yes, 4 months late). The children are sleeping, so I'm not totally neglecting them. ;)

So what to do? I want to write. I love to write. I want to remember these days of our lives.

I still want to finish writing Annabeth's birth story.

I still want to post her 3 and 4 month post.

I still want to share the pictures we had made in February and April.

I still want to share what Griffin is doing these days and talk about how funny and amazing he is.

I still desperately want to share what our family went through last year in regards to my health. I need to share God's faithfulness in a dark, dark time.

I still want to share about the changes that are coming for us.

I still want to share pictures and stories about my home and the things I create here.

I want, I want, I want. There's so much that I want.

But right now, I'm feeling a bit over my head. I'm feeling kind of swamped and tired and overwhelmed. I have a running to-do list that's a mile long. I'm never done. I've not been taking time for what matters most to me.

When I sat down to identify that, I came up with this. What matters to me most is my faith in Christ, my marriage, my children, my friendships and family relationships, and a little bit of self care thrown in there.

For me, I do believe that blogging is part of that self-care. When I sit down and let myself write, I feel the tension dissipate from my shoulders and I breathe a little easier. It's something I can actively engage my brain in for a little while. For a long time, I've felt that self-care is actually quite selfish, but I'm slowly getting over that. There's nothing wrong with taking a little time to understand what makes me, me. What makes me tick. Thanks to a lot of over-saturation from social media, I feel as though I've really lost who I am over the past 3-4 years and that is no one's fault but my own. I'm pointing my own finger right at my own chest.

So why write all this? Why share all this? I don't know. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just looking to make sense of all this stuff that's rolling around in my brain. I've felt conflicted for awhile and I can't put my finger on why. But if there's anything I've learned in the last two years, it's that my feelings are a great liar. I can't look to them to drive me, to steer my actions and my thoughts. I have to look to Christ.

Have you ever had a time like this in your life? When the change makes you tremble with anxiety and perhaps a little bit of grief over what will never again exist? That's where I am. Even with my eyes on Jesus, that's where I am. That's the honest truth.

I want to reiterate that these changes truly aren't negative. They're just changes and I've always struggled with change. Always. Some things never change... pun intended. Ha!

Thanks for reading and for listening. This was kind of an incoherent brain dump, but I already feel a bit better. Again, I love this little community. I've always felt very supported and encouraged even when I come here and write out a little bit of my crazy for the world to see!

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

Ecclesiastes 3:1